What I mean when I say, "Thank you"
Katrina asked me to write soemthing for the blog, some last thoughts as my "retirement" approaches. My biggest thought is that it's been an amazing journey? I started out teaching the 3 and 4 year old's Sunday School and helped with Vacation Bible School from 2003 to 2008 which led to the job I accepted as the Children's Ministry Coordinator in 2007. I can sum up this chapter of my life in two words, "thank you." This "thank you" might not seem heartfelt until I tell you the background story. So here goes....
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom. As I grew up, the desire really didn't fade and I would spend hours and days dreaming about what I would name my kids, what they would look like, and what kind of mom I would be. I grew up in the church and in many church cultures, it was not only a rather normal dream for a young girl, but it was also somewhat expected, that indeed, I would one day be married and have a family. Because that is the way "the good" life works. As time passed, advice from my peers and adults alike was, "just wait," "Focus all your attention on God", "Become a godly woman and pretty soon your godly soul mate will sweep you off your feet".
When asked what I wanted to do after high school graduation, I had two answers: to become a writer/journalist and raise a family. Of course being a write was never something I thought I would actually do? It was just the back up plan in case God delayed in providing me with my dream (I wanted to get married by the age of 18 so I could start my family right away). I graduated and then attended a Bible school. Perfect, right?! But while it benefitted me in other ways, I came home to Flagstaff single. So I thought, "I see what God is up to? I am going to meet someone and have my kids in Flagstaff...I'm sure glad I had those two years away to mature. Now I am ready for SURE to start a family?" Again, it didn't exactly go as planned.
Years went by and because I didn't share my desire for a family openly, with everyone, or actively pursue it, I was given an unspoken label that church goers tend to place on single people. The, "she-doesn't-want-to-get-married-but-don't-worry-one-day-it-will-sneak-up-on-her-when-she-least-expects-it" label. That was fine with me. I could see it all perfectly in my head. It was just a waiting game I would play. I needed to be patient, try to ignore the desire and then God would work it all out just as I'd imagined. I would be amom soon enough!
Time kept passing and honestly, it was hard. Really hard. The "idol" of having kids was constantly on my mind and in my prayers. I was sure I would be happy if I could just get married and have a family. I wanted one so badly and yet the more I would plead, cry out and pray, the more it seemed impossible.
In 2008, I was finally dating a guy and we began talking about marriage. I couldn't believe that everything was falling into place. The opportunity to have a family was so close! THIS WAS IT! I couldn't be happier-and yet it wasn't to be. Things fell apart, we broke up, and went separate ways.
That was when the Lord really go my attention. I was broken, I was wrecked. My dream, my idol, the expectation, had been so close and then it was taken away. For two years and in countless journal entries I cried, poured out my heart, and asked God, "Why? Why would you do this to me? Why would you give me a desire to have kids my whole life and yet never give them to me? How could you? Do you not love me?" By this time I was 28 and felt that marriage and a family of my own was a lost cause. I know. 28 is not that old but this was constant battle for the 10 years (at least).
During one of the times I was pouring out my heart and pleading with God for answers, a thought popped into my head, "I have given you kids. I have given you hundreds of kids through the Children's Ministry at FCF."
I must admit, it wasn't the answer I wanted, but I knew it was the answer I had been asking for. During my remaining three years at FCF I expereinced God removing the idol I had made of having a family from my life. I was then able to see His blessings and provision in my circumstances. God was good to me, God IS good to me. And He is faithful. He is enough. He provided all that I need for a fulfilling and godly life. The past seven years as the Children's Ministry Coorndinator have been an amazing journey-ups and downs, hights and lows but full of God's faithfulness, grace and love.
I want to thank FCF for giving me the job. Thanks to the families for sharing their precious little ones with me and letting me be a part of their lives. Especially thanks to the Lord for His patience in this journey, amazing grace, faithfulness and abundant blessings through this experience. God is good!
And no, I do not expect to meet and marry a Polish guy. We'll see how God uses this next journy for His glory!
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